Since writing that blog, I have decided the piece does need a bit more work, not much, but a bit... So, I'm hoping I can make that happen - something that largely depends on the funds I can raise to pay people...
And just like that I'm reminded again of the attraction of being a LONG TERM Associate of a space or well-established organisation or part of a company linked to something BIGGER, more machine-like.
Somewhere that actually has your back and nurtures your practice and helps you along and gives you some validation simply by being associated with their name. Or gives you an energy through it's structure, having people standing right beside you whatever the weather...
And it's around about the time that I have that thought that I invariably wish I'd been playing the game more. Engaging more with the hustle, doing my own collecting up of people and a tiny bit of empire building myself (just a bit)... Because although the words 'empire' and 'company' make me really shiver (take the British Empire and the East India Company just for starters), there's no denying it, it's exhausting approaching everyone from project to project and starting from zero each time. And I have v strong links with a few key organisations... And a brilliant part-time Producer. Well anyway, cough cough... Something else to aim for kidz! Put it on the list (oh if only I had time to get to the list).
Another sort of main refrain I've noticed going round in my head over the past few years is LET ME IN:
To your building, to your festival, to your scheme, to your funding, to your big big space, to your warmth, to your meetings, to your canteen, to your drinks, to your 5 year plans, to your trust, to your trust, to your trust (fund), to your TRUST...
Because it doesn't seem to get any easier.
I've been doing this for a very long time now. Yet, somehow I know it's still going to be like you've never seen my work, never supported it before, are never willing to acknowledge the inherent possibility that what we're imagining together on this flimsy bit of paper might not work. NOT because neither of us are any good at what we do (you at picking a winner, me at trying to win), but because that's the risk of making something new. It just might bellyflop...
All this doubting, convincing and pitching wastes a LOT of hours.
Think of what we could all be doing with that time...
Art-making for one.
(also, the idea of doing a bellyflop in public just made me smile...).
ANYWAY, yes, I wonder what the answer is... I suppose it's just my usual post-project existential crisis: Do I keep noodling along as an itinerant independent or do I aim for something larger so as to be finally invited 'in' to some of those weightier spaces / funds / conversations...
Oh and lest we forget, there's that other option too:
S h o u l d I d o i t n o w t h e n ? S h o u l d I j u s t g i v e - u p.
Flip Flop. Flip Flop.
Flail. Flail. Flip Flop.
Ok. Enough of that, better get on with those two small ideas I'm supposed to manifest by the end of this month i.e. two weeks away (true story).
DO NOT PANIC.
Put it on the list.
|Image from Sulphur Photo credit: Lens and Pixel|